Who in Punjab

Who in Punjab, singed as the state has been by terrorism and state-terrorism a la fake encounters, would not welcome the idea of reform in the way it is policed? But when I found that the idea has come from none other than the top khaki ranks, it was natural for me to be wary of the good intentions. When I laid my hands on the draft Police Act, I knew one thing. It was no laughing matter.

The Great Indian Laughter Challenge is lucky the draft is still not the Act. Or the joke would have been on the comic himself.

Punjab Police Boss wants to change
the shape of things after 143 years

DGP suggests reforms in the 1861 Act,
sends artistes scurrying for cover

S P Singh

PUNJAB POLICE's sense of humour is tingled. 143 years after the outdated Punjab Police Act 1861, top police boss in the state has come up with a reformed version which will make sure the state's jails would soon ring out with some loud laughter.

LOL!

Every comedian worth his salt would be behind bars soon.

Things sometimes do run the logical course even in the labyrinthine corridors of regimes. Not very long ago, Punjab's Principal Secretary (Home) Sanjit K Sinha had bashed up two well-known comedians right in his office, next to the Chief Minister's office in the Civil Secretariat. That was a good lesson for those who take the powers-that-be too casually. But the two hit back after a few months with a CD, cracking jokes at Sinha's expense.

Lesson learnt: A century-and-a-half later, it is time to wake up, change the rules and reject all appeals to (non)sense of humour.

Set up on the direct orders of CM Amarinder Singh, here is what the panel appointed by Director General of Police A A Siddiqui has come up with in its Punjab Police Bill draft:

-- Cracking any joke about any cop is BANNED. Remember, if caught, even the judiciary shall not have the powers to either fine OR imprison you. It will only have the option to fine AND imprison you.

-- Those like Jaspal Bhatti, who have almost made an art form out of earning a living by making fun of the cops, would now have to tell every single joke, wisecrack or repartee about cops to the cops beforehand for clearance, less your morality is seriously affected.

``Why don't they simply ban me?'' Bhatti asked innocently. He rushed to add he wasn't joking. Seems like he has read the draft Bill. It's not safe to be joking anymore. Prior scrutiny and granting of suitability certificates will be regulated by police (Section 51.x.iii)

-- All musicals, dance programmes, mimicry shows, theatre or other performances for public amusement would have to get a licence from area police boss. (Section 51.x.i)

-- Police will render this service ``in the interest of decency and morality'' (S.51.x.)

-- If you are planning to stage a nukkar-natak with a shoe-string budget and it features a character playing a policeman also, please get a proper swanky uniform for him. If you go penny-pinching, and there is a star or an epaulette missing, the next performance would be behind bars only (S.96.1).

-- And woe begone the repertory where someone addresses a character wearing an IG's stripes as a DIG, or vice-versa. Not just the man who didn't rehearse his lines properly, but every single person connected with the performance will be prosecuted. And as we told you, it is six months AND fine.

-- No movie can feature any cop in bad light. And if a cop perceived you have sneaked in a reference which really doesn't present him in the role of a shravan-putra, the punishment is for the entire unit, producer and director thrown in (S 96.2). Jail AND fine, of course.

-- As for minor matters like where to fasten your horse if you have one, you would need a cop to decide it for you (S.51.1.q). The draft Bill doesn't mention whether you can call up a dial-in helpline and ask for some horse-sense.

-- Ever since the mutiny of 1857, which had prompted the 1861 Act, cops have become very sensitive about certain things, though we never noticed. So `wantonly discharging a fire-arm' is now equated with lighting a bonfire outside your house (Section 51.1.u). Now, that is some ecological sensitivity.

A fire's a fire anyday, and no smoking gun would be spared, even if it is a heap of hay.

-- How is the police equipped for assessing literary merits of a theatrical performance or a stage production? Now, that can be taken as a very unkind joke since the draft Bill has already taken care of this aspect. The DGP will appoint for this purpose a panel which will have ``knowledge of and experience in literature, the theatre and other matters.'' (S 51.1.x.iii). Ever seen a CV which mentions `Experience in Literature' column?

-- Cops think of everything. The police would also regulate, of course ``in the interest of public order'', the employment of the artistes and ``the conduct of the artistes and audience at such performance'' (Section 51.1.x.ii). Ungrateful artistes have failed to see that cops are on their side.

And are busy telling jokes. So funny! Don’t laugh, there’s a cop around the corner.

(ABCDE)■