What will happen if a small time sarkari babu goes to the ante room of a senior officer in his absence, has bread-omlette there and cleans his teeth with a currency note when he finds he doesn’t have a kerchief? All hell may break loose, triggering off hundreds of file movements, a string of inquiries, and threats of dismissals, top level bureaucrats discussing whether breadcrumbs can be cleaned with a currency note and what not. Here is an incredible story about what the government does with your money. IT PICKS ITS TEETH. (My apologies to then secretary, Forests, Punjab Mr J R Kundal who put an end to the delicious bread and omlette saga but wanted to order another inquiry about how the entire file including his noting leaked out. Someone in his office advised him against this, but I wish the inquiry had been ordered. Who knows what cuisine could Kundal have offered us after bread-omlette? Sane officers are such kill joys, after all.

The small time babu was my namesake and landed up in my office in The Times of India, with a detailed chart of which babu eats what, and angry that the government is after him only because he cleaned his teeth. ``Tomorrow, they will go after Colgate too?’’ he said. Shh…!!! If P. Ram had heard this, Colgate ka suraksha chakkar will get blasted.

Lords Of The Files
A Real Bread And Omelette Story Govt Is Pickin’ Its Teeth

S P Singh

Chandigarh:

FOR more than one year now, all of us in Punjab have been paying taxes through our nose to fund a government busy picking its teeth. And it ain’t much clean till now, and you ain’t know nothin’ yet. Grit your teeth and read on.

In resource-crunched Punjab, some top most bureaucrats of state government have been busy for over a year now struggling to investigate an Indian Forest Service (IFS) officer for a crime so serious that files shuttled between the Department of Forests and office of Principal Chief Conservator of Forests (PCCF) hundreds of times -- he ate some “bread-slice” in the staff office of Financial Commissioner Forests, P.Ram, in September last year -- and worse! -- cleaned his teeth with a hundred rupee crisp bill.

Such serious note was taken of this bread-eating-teeth-cleaning Forest Officer that a full-fledged investigation was launched, explanations were asked for, reminders and warnings sent, and on every step, “total office secrecy was maintained” lest the guilty slips through some loophole. And Principal Chief Conservator of Forests, the senior most IFS officer in the state with scales equivalent to Chief Secretary, was not just kept in picture at every step but proactively pursued the matter throughout.

In fact, the PCCF could have gone even deeper into the issue if only the officer had bitten off some bread in the Sector 17 PCCF premises rather than at the fifth floor office of P. Ram at Mini Secretariat.

But then that would be rushing things too fast, and governments move at a rather relaxed pace, particularly when it comes to such grave matters as tooth-picking.

Personal Assistant and Private Secretary of P.Ram complained that S.P.Singh, a District Forest Officer, came to inquire about a matter concerning his transfer to their room on September 5 last year. “Without asking us, he sat on the clerk’s chair, started eating bread-slice wrapped in an envelope, stood up, pulled out crisp Rs 100-notes from his pocket and started cleaning his teeth with these...Maintaining total secrecy, we did not tell him anything about his transfer case,” the two said in a complaint submitted ten days after the man had his grub.

“This is rather serious. Pl put up on file,” scribbled P.Ram, one of the senior-most officers of the government, apparently upset by such lack of finesse.

This was a trigger for some real absurd file-flinging activity which is continuing till date. How exactly did the bread crumbs got stuck in the teeth, and how teeth should not be picked with currency notes turned out to be matters which found graphic descriptions repeatedly in document after document.

Kafka would have loved it: Everytime a paper moves, there is a set ‘downmarking’ procedure through Financial Commissioner, Additional Secretary, string of office superintendants, clerks, assistants, despatch clerks etc, and everytime it elicits a response, the entire chain moves in reverse direction called ‘upmarking’.

Peon movements could be pegged at few hundred and many a precious hours were spent poring on files to resolve the matter as calenders got changed, heaters yielded way for air-conditioners but were then switched back after the calender leaves withered one by one.

After reminders and warnings, finally S P Singh was jolted into drafting a response, and he wrote in the ‘royal we’  mode: “This is true that the undersigned went to your staff office on 5.9.2003 and because you were busy, we sat in your staff room and started having some bread-slice since it was lunch time. Because the undersigned did not have a handkerchief that day, unknowingly we cleaned the teeth with the currency note mistaking it for a handkerchief since bread-crumbs had got stuck in my teeth.”

“May I submit that the undersigned did so out of no malafide and it happened inadvertently, and what happened was very unfortunate and I assure that all due care will be taken in future that it does not happen again,” S P Singh pleaded in his explanation sent in February this year, asking that the case be closed.

But P Ram was not so eager. Come March, and he wanted a comment on the explanation from an authority no less than the PCCF. In April, the PCCF was reminded to give his comments. Seasons changed again, and reminders continued. At one stage, PCCF asked for a copy of the explanation. This was a copy that the PCCF had anyway not just received from S P Singh, but had himself sent to the Department. Irked, the Department reminded the PCCF office of the fact, but sent a copy anyway.

Summer was through, and heaters were back. PCCF was still applying its mind to the grave problem. Last month, the PCCF finally took a view: Since the bread was eaten “in the room of the government, there is no way PCCF office can comment on the matter.

November 18, 2004

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